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Mathematicians say the most difficult equation known to man may be the Riemann hypothesis. Calculating the prices of the drink packages on the Margaritaville cruise could be a close second.

In January, I boarded the Margaritaville at Sea Paradise for a two-night sailing from the Port of Palm Beach, Fla., to Grand Bahama. My assignment was to gauge the value of one of the cheapest cruises you can take. Over the course of my sailing, I inevitably sampled an ocean of beverages and decided to rate each one.

The ship had a strong contingent of travelers who were there to let loose. Morning, noon and night, passengers hit the bar for shots, beers and blended tropical beverages rippled with neon hues. Margaritaville at Sea does not sell a tidy unlimited drinks package, however, and the three options it did have were rife with caveats and confusion.

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My booking included five free drinks, but that wouldn’t put a dent in the extensive menus. Trying to taste through the entire roster would have cost hundreds of dollars, which explains why we couldn’t judge every drink on the menu. Anyone alarmed about my alcohol intake should know I shared most of the drinks with a highly vetted assistant (my fiancé, Dan).

I scored my ranking on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being so unpalatable it’s not worth drinking, and 10 being delicious enough to shake the hand of the bartender.

Margarita: 6/10

Unsurprisingly, the ship has a ton of margaritas. We started with the Who’s to Blame, served on the rocks with Margaritaville Gold Tequila, triple sec and a “house margarita blend.” It was very heavy on the mix — where’s the tequila? — but was decent overall.

We decided to upgrade our marg to a “Booze in the Blender” 22-ounce serving, which the bartender said was about three regular drinks and came in a faux blender jar with a lid and a straw, sort of like an adult sippy cup. Carrying it around the ship all night — full or empty — in case we wanted another very big drink made me feel like a toddler.

Worse yet, the sippy-cup presentation meant no salted rim, a must for my margarita enjoyment.

Piña colada: 8/10

Dan’s a piña colada obsessive; he’ll order one on just about any menu, which is not advisable when you are far from a body of water. That does make him a good judge of the coconut beverage.

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At the first taste of our Margaritaville piña colada, our eyes lit up. It was glorious! The frozen drink had been blended to near perfection, featuring a luscious texture and a rich coconut flavor. Not too sweet. Not too heavy. Just right.

The second one we shared wasn’t as top notch, which brings down the rating of this delight a smidgen.

Negroni: 3/10

I know, I know. Who orders a Negroni on a Caribbean booze cruise? (Maybe Stanley Tucci?)

There’s a limit to how many cheap-but-expensive tropical cocktails the human body can muster in a day. So we went for the classic, not once but on three different occasions. And they were always bad. The quote about the definition of insanity comes to mind.

To our defense, the Negroni is easy (on paper), made with equal parts gin, Campari and sweet vermouth. What could go wrong? A lot, apparently. They were never the right color, always off in proportions and sometimes in ingredients. We had one at dinner that seemed to be made with dry vermouth instead of sweet (which, it turns out, is called a Cardinale).

Also, a Negroni served with chip ice should be illegal.

Mojito: 1/10

In an effort to get back to the tropical beverage category — but too full to drink another piña colada and too underwhelmed by the last margarita — I used the last of our five free drinks on a mojito. I also spent $8 to upgrade it to sippy-cup size.

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It was terrible, so off we couldn’t drink it — like a pint of soda water somehow gone bad with a handful of mint. We tried sucking down a few gulps hoping it’d get less offensive. It never did. I carried it around the remainder of the night like a punishment, and eventually dumped it down our cabin toilet.

Coffee (free): 3/10

At the complimentary Port of Indecision Buffet, passengers can guzzle drip coffee and juice from a dispenser machine to their heart’s content. I didn’t try the juice, but I did go for the caffeine. What came out of the tank was the kind of thin coffee with no spine that you’d get at a sad continental breakfast.

Coffee (paid): 6/10

Thank goodness for the ship’s coffee shop. We developed a deep appreciation for the barista, who we went to for espresso drinks like cortados, macchiatos and lattes, and once a delicious caramel frappé. He wasn’t working with the best beans or milk or equipment on the planet, but it was clear he was doing his best, and that made us even happier.

White wine: 3/10

To pair with our dinner at Frank & Lola’s Pizzeria, a specialty restaurant wedged by the coffee and gift shops, we wanted a crisp white wine. Even though the restaurant had wine listed on its menu, we couldn’t order it with our server, or even at the counter where we ordered our food. The server told Dan that he had to walk over to the coffee shop and ask the barista. He came back with two glasses of sauvignon blanc that had a weird, sweet tinge to them.

Fresh coconut: 10/10

Okay, this was not technically on the Margaritaville at Sea, but next to it. At the port in Grand Bahama, there was a bar kiosk that had a guy hacking open fresh coconuts. There was no way I was leaving the Caribbean without drinking one. It was a dream.

Gully Wash: 9/10

Same deal as the coconut, we got this from the same little bar by the cruise terminal. It’s a Bahamian drink, also known as Sky Juice, made with coconut water, sweetened condensed milk and gin. Don’t let the concept of mixing dairy and gin dissuade you; this was delicious and well balanced.

Blue margarita shot: 2/10

During our dinner at Fins, servers walked around the dining room with a tray of shots: lemon drops, blue margarita and something with Kahlua, maybe. We were a little despondent over our Negroni, so maybe a shooter would be a silly consolation beverage to share with Dan. I waved over a server and requested the electric turquoise option.

Served chilled, this could have been a jazzy jolt to the system. But the blue margarita shooter ($7, excluding taxes and fees) was tepid and tasted flatter than watered-down Gatorade.

Water: 9/10

With the exception of our dinner at Fins, when servers automatically gave you a glass, water felt like a precious commodity on Paradise. You could walk to the Port of Indecision Buffet and get some from the juice dispenser, or ask the bar or waitstaff for a glass. I asked a crew member whether the water in our stateroom sink was potable, and he said, “It is not recommended.”

So when we did get our hands on a cup of ice water from the bar at the Euphoria lounge, it was indeed euphoric, even if it did taste a little strange, like it had passed through a dusty filter.

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